God is still God, and He is still Good!

We just received shocking and numbing news... We lost our baby.

Ultrasound scan today showed a 8 week and 1 day old embryo only... when I am supposed to be 11 weeks... No heartbeat was detected... As such, it was concluded that we lost our baby 3 weeks ago.

We really can't begin to express what we're feeling.. mainly because we don't know what we're feeling yet...

But one thing is for sure... God is still God, and He is still Good. We don't know why this happened to us... neither can we guess... But God is in control. Always has always will be...

So I think it is only appropriate that this blog be left vacant. I won't be updating this.... till maybe when we conceive again...

But thanks for your prayers and support throughout these 11 weeks... I can only thank God that our baby is now safe in the arms of Jesus, in Heaven where he/she belongs... free from suffering. To God be the glory, forever and ever... Amen

Journey towards "whale-likeness"

Hello hello!

I've always told myself that I'd take lots of pictures of the growing tummy as a memoir... sigh... I got too busy. So I have very limited ones. oh well

Here's number one... at week 11 (19/5/09) =)

Nice and round tum tum.... Funny that I'm showing at week 11... People were only expecting me to show on my 5th month aka week 20... =S

Yes, my journey towards whale-likeness has begun...

Week 11

Week 11 How Big is the Baby at Eleven Weeks Pregnant?
Your little one is growing larger and larger as you continue your pregnancy week by week. By pregnancy week 11 your baby is big enough to hold in the palm of your hand. Between 1.75 and 2.4 inches long your little bean weighs almost .3 of an ounce, and is probably about the size of a small plum.

Your Baby's Growth and Development

By pregnancy 11 weeks you can still see right through your baby's skin. In fact, your baby's skin will remain paper thin throughout much of your pregnancy, until you come closer to term. If you were to look directly at your baby during pregnancy week 11 you could see her blood vessels through the skin. By this point in time your little one should be able to open and close her fists, and is starting to form little buds that will one day pop out as teeth!

By pregnancy 11 weeks your baby's fingers and toes have lost their amphibious like resemblance, now separated instead of webbed. Your little one is taking advantage of the huge space she is floating in by pregnancy 11 weeks, by kicking and squirming about. In the next three weeks your baby will go through a tremendous growth spurt, almost doubling in size. At no other time in your baby's life will she undergo as many rapid changes as are occurring during this stage of your pregnancy.

Your Growth and Development
You may be starting to show a bit by 11 weeks pregnant at this point (but not very much unless you have already had a baby). You are almost at the end of your first trimester by pregnancy at 11 weeks but you still may not look pregnant to onlookers, which some women find frustrating. Take comfort knowing that your uterus however is now just about big enough to fill your pelvis and is probably poking up above the middle of your pubic bone. Before you know it your tummy will pronounce to the whole world that you are pregnant!

Changes in You
By 11 weeks pregnant you should be feeling pretty pregnant, even if you don't look very pregnant. You might start to notice that your hair and fingernails start growing very rapidly. For some women this doesn't happen until closer to the third trimester, but others notice it right away. However, some women also find that their hair is more unruly than normal, so don't count on thick locks during pregnancy necessarily. If you have been suffering from terrible morning sickness, take heart knowing that in just another week or two you should start to feel remarkably better. Many women start gaining weight, about a pound per week during the second trimester, as they find their nausea subsiding.

You might be continuing to have mixed emotions about your pregnancy during pregnancy at 11 weeks. Many women find themselves tuning into parenting and health channels that talk about pregnancy. Keep your spirits up as much as possible as you follow your pregnancy week by week, and remember that shedding an occasional tear is perfectly normal and healthy.

week 10

Week 10 How Big is the Baby at Ten Weeks Pregnant?
Your baby is getting big... in fact, by pregnancy week 10 your baby is big enough to start being weighed! By pregnancy week 10 your baby will measure between 31 and 42 mm or a little more than an inch and a half! Your baby is about the size of a lime, maybe slightly larger by now.

Your Baby's Growth and Development
By the end of pregnancy 10 weeks your baby will have moved past the embryonic period, and will begin the 'fetal' period. The fetal period is the time when your fetus will grow rapidly. By week ten your baby is less at risk for congenital malformations, which usually occur during the first nine weeks of pregnancy. You should breathe a big sigh of relief by the end of pregnancy week 10 now that this important developmental stage is past!

It is important however that you know that any exposure to toxins even during this time or throughout your pregnancy week by week can be damaging or harmful for your fetus. Your baby's health and well being depend in large part upon your ability to take care to protect them during the duration of your pregnancy.

One of the more common exposures that women may not consider during pregnancy is second hand smoke. Second hand smoke can be harmful particularly during pregnancy. If you find yourself in an environment where people are smoking, remove yourself as quickly as possible. Don't hesitate to address your needs or assert yourself during this all important time. Most people will certainly understand your concerns and will be more than happy to accommodate any requests to avoid exposing your baby to unnecessary toxins.

By the end of pregnancy week 10 your baby's organ systems are growing quickly. Now internal organs are starting to form and the vital organs including the liver, kidney, intestines and brain will start functioning. In the next three weeks alone your baby's length will grow exponentially. Tiny details will start appearing on your baby's body, including items such as toenails. If you were to look really closely you might even notice some peach fuzz growing on your baby's skin! By now your baby will be consumed with swallowing and kicking. That's right, your baby will swallow amniotic fluid during your pregnancy. Consider it a practice run for breathing once she is born!

Spinal nerves are also visible at this point in pregnancy, and your baby's liver is busy making blood cells.

Pregnancy Medical Facts!
Pregnancy Weight Gain and the Health of Your Newborn Baby
Either excessive pregnancy weight gain or inadequate weight gain is associated with adverse infant outcomes. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) has set guidelines for weight gain in pregnancy. Pregnancy weight gain above the recommended IOM guidelines is more common that pregnancy weight gain below the guidelines. Unfortunately, women who gain weight in pregnancy in excess of the recommended guidelines give birth to babies with more problems than babies born to women who gained weight within the recommended guidelines. It is also know that inadequate weight gain during pregnancy clearly places your baby at an increased risk for problems at birth. Weight gain in pregnancy both over and under the recommended Institute of Medicine guidelines will increase the changes of your baby having problems at delivery and after. The better controlled your pregnancy weight gain is the healthier your baby will be at birth.

Breastfeeding
The evidence continues to mount regarding the value of breastfeeding for both mom and baby. Human milk provides developmental, nutritional, and immunologic benefits to the infant that cannot be duplicated by formula feeding. With the development of iron-fortified formula in the late 1950s, breastfeeding rates began to decrease as formula feeding gained popularity. Since that time breastfeeding have been increasing but they have not yet reached the goal set by the U.S. Public health Service for 75% of mothers to initiate breastfeeding after delivery.

Your Growth and Development
You may think you are starting to show by pregnancy 10 weeks, but most people still probably can't tell that you are pregnant yet. That is ok! After pregnancy week 10 and in the next few weeks you will start seeing some changes in your profile, your partner may have already commented on your ever so slightly more rounded belly!

Changes in You
Hang in there, now that you are 10 weeks pregnant just a couple more weeks and you should start realizing some significant relief from morning sickness!

By 10 weeks pregnant you are probably starting to feel more and more positive about your pregnancy. You have probably had the opportunity by now to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time at your doctor's office. The sound of your baby's heartbeat for the first time will probably send you and your partner to the moon and back.

If you haven't invited your partner to accompany you to your prenatal visits by pregnancy at 10 weeks, you might consider doing so now. Though many are 'run of the mill' checks, your partner will feel more a part of your pregnancy week by week and more helpful and supportive if they are invited to your prenatal visits. During your visits your partner and you will also have the opportunity to discuss any questions and concerns you may be having about your pregnancy. Your partner may even think of a few questions you may never have even considered!

Week 9

Week 9 How Big is the Baby at Nine Weeks Pregnant?
By pregnancy week 9 your baby is between 22 and 30 mm long, (that's about an inch) or about the size of a large grape. Your baby weighs less than one ounce at 9 weeks pregnant, but will soon start putting on weight dramatically as you continue your pregnancy week by week.

Your Baby's Growth and Development
Your baby is growing like crazy during pregnancy week 9.

By pregnancy 9 weeks most of the aspects of your baby's physical structure such as head, arms, legs and torso are in place. If you were to peek in on your little one you'd find they resemble a miniature human being (one with a very large head!). Because your baby's organs and limbs are forming, in the next few weeks your baby will be putting on weight. Your baby's tail should have disappeared by now, and your baby's organs and muscles should be functioning on their own. It's hard to believe that something so small can function so completely isn't it!

During pregnancy 9 weeks your baby's eyelids will fuse shut and won't open up again until your baby is about 27 weeks along. Your baby's face is becoming more distinct every day, with the mouth, nose and nostrils becoming clearly visible. By nine weeks your little one will even have developed sex organs, however your healthcare provider won't be able to discern them quite yet. Typically the sex of your baby can be determined by ultrasound between 18 and 20 weeks gestation.

Your baby's heart should have divided into four separate chambers by pregnancy week 9, as your baby swims about gleefully in her warm and cozy home.

Your Growth and Development
Your uterus is still growing at 9 weeks pregnant, now closer to a small cantaloupe than a grapefruit. By pregnancy week 9 you may notice that you feel more bloated and lethargic than ever before. You may notice an increase in weight gain, which may be more associated with fluid retention than actual weight. This may apply throughout your pregnancy week by week. One thing you should avoid doing while pregnant is weighing yourself every day. Weight gain can fluctuate as much as 1-5 pounds in the course of a single day, and such fluctuations can be discouraging. If you can hold off until your prenatal visits, you might avoid the pain of constant weight fluctuations. If however you are determined to weigh yourself frequently during pregnancy, consider weighing once a week, at the same time of day right after you get up in the morning and void your bladder. Doing so will provide the most consistent results and will help eliminate excessive worries about daily weight changes. A new pair of maternity jeans will relieve the anxiety related to weight fluctuations.

Not all the weight you gain is stored as fat. At birth your baby may weigh between 6 to 8 pounds. The uterus expands during pregnancy and may weigh about 2 pounds. The afterbirth or placenta generally weighs 1.5 pounds. Your breast tissue will grow during pregnancy and may weigh up to 1.5 to 2 pounds. Your blood volume will increase and add up to 4 pounds of weight. The fluid retained by your body during pregnancy can weigh as much as 4 pounds. The amniotic fluid surrounding your baby will weigh approximately 2 pounds. The maternal fat stores will add about 7 pounds of weight to your total weight gain. By the end of pregnancy you will gain approximately 18 to 35 pounds.

Here's the skinny on losing pregnancy weight after you deliver your baby... most women will lose the bulk of their pregnancy weight in the first three months after delivery. In general you will lose 10-13 pounds during the birthing process from the weight of the infant and placenta. An additional 7-11 pounds will be lost after the first postpartum week. The remaining extra pounds will be shed with good eating habits and a regular exercise program. You will be back to your normal weight and fitting into your pre-pregnancy clothes in just a short few months as long as you take care to exercise and eat healthily in the weeks following pregnancy.

Changes in You
Many women start experiencing pregnancy related mood swings and anxiety during pregnancy at 9 weeks. You may alternate feelings of elation with feelings of trepidation. Many women find themselves crying over small things like commercials when pregnant. Remember that this is perfectly normal, and largely the result of the increased number of hormones floating through your system. Higher than normal levels of progesterone can also lead to more fatigue which can influence your moods.

If this isn't your first pregnancy, by 9 weeks pregnant you may have noticed that your belly has 'popped' just a bit. This is an exciting time, though many women look forward to the months where they are actually showing and not simply looking a little rounder than usual.

Some unpleasant pregnancy symptoms that might pop up during this pregnancy at 9 weeks are bloating and gassiness. Many women find they are more prone to flatulence and burping, as well as highly abnormal guttural sounds during pregnancy. Relax, and know that these too are normal and simply the result of increasing hormone levels, particularly progesterone in your body.

8th Week of Pregnancy: Common Symptoms

Although you are not yet showing, there's a lot going on inside your body. You may start experiencing some pregnancy symptoms this week. Learn how to manage morning sickness and other early pregnancy issues.

View >>

Updates on week 7

For weeks, I've been worried. Daunted by irrational thoughts centered on what if's. Many thoughts were because till the day before yesterday, I had not seen my fetus. First ultrasound at 4 weeks showed no gestational sac in my uterus, because it was too early. Yesterday was filled with anxiousness and impatience as I waited to see if the fetus was nicely rooted where it was supposed to be, and a bonus would have been if I saw the heartbeat of my little one!

Everything turned out perfect! We saw the sac, and even saw a little heartbeat. Our gynae was pleased indeed, saying it was a strong heartbeat and usually at 7 weeks, a heartbeat was not as visible as that. So, I went home really happy with a first picture of our kid, who is now only about 1cm in size. so so tiny!!

Other than that, I would love to say I have not been suffering from morning sickness. But I think I am having more or less something like that. And it starts the night before. So if I go to bed even the slightest bit hungry, the next day would be..... almost horrendous! I'd wake up with gastric, and even feeling so close to vomiting. Not very nice indeed!

So most nights, I have to snack at night and go to bed soon. Because, if I stay up just a little longer, food gets digested, and that's it... I'll find myself waking up looking for crackers to munch on... =( I've lost sleep because of this... Oh how I miss sleeping nice and soundly. But the funny thing about me is, when I munch on salty stuff, it helps. However, munching on sweet stuff almost makes it worse... Sigh.

But I certainly thank God! My morning sickness is considered very mild. =D Thank God, Thank God!


On a side note, my friend Miza should've given birth to her first child 2 days ago. But so far there have been no updates. So, CONGRATS Miza!!!

Week 6

We've arrived at WEEK SIX today!!! Woo hoo!! Big accomplishment thus far!! Another 6 more to go until we've safely conquered the 1st trimester!!!

It is amazing how many organs are already formed now in my tiny tiny bub!!!

Thank You Jesus! =D

The Miracle of Life

I love talking on the bed with Justin. We're in our room, away from all distractions and all we do is just talk! Wonderful insights come from talking on the bed!

When Justin told his boss about the baby, his boss was delighted and his passion came through when he said "Do you know what it means to be able to create life?" That got me thinking. Of all the gifts God has given us, He chose to give us His greatest - the ability to create life!

Hollywood glamorizes movies on cloning and genetic engineering. But what they fail to see is the already HUGE and GREAT ability to create life that we average, sometimes below average, human beings have!

Here's a video created by a friend of a friend on the 9 months of pregnancy. You'll need to sign into Facebook to watch it. Watch it and then tell me this is not a miracle? God You never cease to amaze me! You are Wonderful!

9 Months of Pregnancy Video

Week 4

How Big is the Baby at Four Weeks Pregnant?
Your baby at 4 weeks is still incredibly miniscule, about .014 to .04 inches long. That is roughly the equivalent to 1/2 to 1mm long, which isn't very long at all. Your baby will however slowly start changing by 4 weeks pregnant so that she starts resembling more of a small tadpole with eyes than an egg. That is quite an accomplishment for your little bean!

Your Baby's Growth and Development
Your baby will be implanting furiously during pregnancy week 4 into the uterine lining, to ensure that she has a safe and secure home for the next nine months. Fetal development by and large is still in the earliest stages at this point in time. By now the blastocyst or ball of cells that is your baby will be imbedding deeper and deeper into the lining of the uterus. The amniotic cavity is forming and the placenta is starting to form.

As you continue to grow and expand during your pregnancy week by week, the placenta will help nourish and support your baby during the nine months of pregnancy. It consists of vascular networks and blood from your body that helps transport oxygen and nutrients to the fetus. There are several different layers of cells developing in your body, which will eventually develop into your baby's organs and other body parts. Other layers will form the nervous system including the brain.

A pregnancy of 4 weeks is often noted as the beginning of the embryonic period. During your pregnancy at 4 weeks, your baby's organs will start developing. The early weeks of pregnancy are considered a critical time of development. Any exposure to harmful substances during pregnancy week 4 or later in the first trimester is most likely to cause damage to or harm your developing fetus. It is extremely important that you do everything possible to try to avoid exposure to any potential pollutants or toxins during this time. You should inform your healthcare practitioner if you are exposed to any potentially hazardous substances that might affect your baby's development.

Remember that the most common substances implicated in fetal deformities or malformations are common toxins such as alcohol and tobacco. Substance abuse of any type can also be harmful to an unborn fetus. If you have an addiction, you should talk with your healthcare provider immediately so they can help you determine the best way to proceed. Your healthcare provider will likely direct you to some support groups so that you can change your habits during this highly important time in your life.

Your Growth and Development
By the end of 4 weeks pregnant you would normally expect your period to arrive. If it does not there is a good chance you might be pregnant!

During the early weeks of pregnancy before the placenta is fully formed, an area of your ovary forms what is called the corpus luteum. This generally occurs at the site where your egg is released from the follicle. The corpus luteum is believed to produce progesterone during the early weeks of pregnancy. The placenta actually starts producing the majority of progesterone your body needs to carry a pregnancy typically by about 12 weeks.

Changes in You
You might actually start realizing some changes 4 weeks pregnant. Some women start to feel a little bit tired during pregnancy at 4 weeks, which is not a surprise given the remarkable work your body is performing to support your new baby! Many women liken the symptoms they are feeling during this stage to those they feel around the time of menstruation. You may in fact experience during pregnancy at 4 weeks nothing other than some menstrual symptoms, including a bit of nausea and even some cramping. Believe it or not, some women cramp very badly during this time and are absolutely positive that they are about to get their period, only to find that they are actually pregnant a week or so later.

Many women will be able to find out if they are pregnant by 4 weeks pregnant. A home pregnancy test is sufficient for determining whether or not you are pregnant. If you take a test and find that you are pregnant, you should call your healthcare provider to set up your first prenatal visit. Chances are they won't want to see you for a few more weeks yet, but it is important nonetheless to schedule your visits. Your healthcare provider can also prescribe a prenatal vitamin if you aren't already taking one.

Some women are disappointed to find that their pregnancy test comes back negative. Give it some time however. Some women don't produce enough pregnancy hormones right away in order for a standard test to detect a pregnancy.

Journal Entry 1

I am around 4ish weeks pregnant now. No signs of morning sickness (Thank you God!). My only symptoms are abdominal cramps [like those pre-menstrual cramps just stronger and long lasting] and swollen breasts. This one's not really funny, cause I can't bounce down the stairs like I normally do, they hurt! But I really thank God for these and only these!! Other friends I know are having horrid morning sickness. So if cramps and swollen/tender breasts are all I get, I am Perfectly Content, Happy, and Thankful!

Cramps are more on the strong side this morning. Lethargy is kicking in. We jokingly say the hike has begun. Because the amount of work a preggy woman's body does now is liken to that of a mountain hike!

Hubby is at work this Saturday morning. So I have the house to myself. Was supposed to have house cleaning today, but the all-wonderful-all-loving hubby said no and that I should rest. =) So I have my laptop and some music he downloaded for me to accompany me in this beautiful, slow, and cooling Saturday morning. After the past 2 weeks of anxiousness, finally I'm finding relaxation today. Time to reflect, time to just enjoy God's presence. Time to be me. And I find myself in tears. It's the sheer knowledge that we were given this precious precious gift. God grace is indeed amazing. All I caught myself saying was "Thank You God. Thank You."

I know we're not in this alone. The one who enabled this is and will forever be by our side. Oh God YOU are amazing!

Themes

Justin says I'm sentimental. I agree. Which was why it was absolutely important and significant to finding just the right Bible verse and theme for the wedding. I personally believed that that theme would be the theme of our marriage and everything pertaining to it.

Grace: Exceeding, Abundant, Above & Beyond was our theme. And since we've come together, I've seen how profound and true this theme has been. God's grace has indeed been so much more than everything we ever dared dream. We are who we are, and where we are because of God's grace. Nothing else. Not by human endeavor, but by His will. Not by our intellect (or little of it) but because of His mercies.

But although the nicely written themes are there, it is a challenge holding on to the themes and just letting God be God. I worry too much, and by doing that, take my focus off of His majesty and power.

The one thing that has been keeping me awake since we found out about the pregnancy were worries - what if the baby is not healthy? what if he/she is disabled? what if I'm having an ectopic pregnancy? What if I'm not a good enough mother? That among many others.

No, I didn't get the voice that I sometimes get. No, there was no miraculous scripture popping out of the pages. There was no quick fix this time. All I got was the gentle nudge to trust Him no matter what. To exercise maturity, and stand firm on who God is, not on what may go wrong. To turn my sight to his Majesty, and my focus on the Great and Good God He is.

He is ALL powerful, Mighty, Love, Gracious, Merciful. HE IS GOD!

I don't know how the few months will be. I don't know how these 9 months will end. I don't know anything pass today. But I know who holds my hand, and I know who calms the fiercest of storms. I know my God, and He knows me.

In HIM, all things hold together

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together - Colossians 1:17 NIV

Before we got married, things on the discussion list included 'having children'. I was very vocal about wanting to have kids - 2 in fact. And my then, dear hubby-to-be, often replied with a nice obliging smile. We'd talk about how we'd raise our kids, what values we'd like to instill, how we'd teach him/her to put God first, to love God, and to serve Him.

But the general understanding was that there was to be a 2 years gap before the baby for us to get used to each other, build a strong foundation for our family, and enjoy each others' company. However, somewhere between the engagement period and 2-3 months after we got married, a miscommunication came about: on my side of the fence, the 2 years meant, baby would be born somewhere nearing our 2 years of marriage; for Justin, it meant baby "production" would start after 2 years of marriage. Long story short, we discussed and decided that we'd start baby production this July after coming back from Aussie. That time, masters would be done, we'd just returned from a wonderful holiday, so our bodies and minds would've been seemingly relaxed and ready for baby production! What a beautiful and perfect plan right?

So ever since we got married, we've been very careful. Diligently counting fertile dates, and staying away from them. It has worked marvelously! Kudos kudos to us! But last month, my cycle decided to go haywire, and ovulation came MUCH earlier. That was it. 2 weeks down, I felt weird.... somehow felt that I was pregnant. Of course to my logic-driven hubby, it was just me being paranoid. So we bought a pregnancy testing kit (PTK) and it came out negative. Justin had a smug victorious face, kinda like... "phew, that was close!". While I was more disapointed than happy. So life went on as usual, until 3 weeks after that when my period didn't come and I really started feeling weird. So I bought 2 tests. Last Saturday (28/2/09) night after dinner, I took the test, peed into a cup, and dipped it in. I watched as the PTK soaked up the urine, and went through the test region, all I saw was watermarks, nothing else. Disapointed, I packed up everything and tossed them in the trash. Turned around to get the PTK, and saw 2 lines... one control line and a faint test line... My heart must've stopped as I yelled, DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forwarding the story, we concluded that since that was a cheap PTK, it could've been a mistake. Next morning, we tested with a ClearBlue PTK. This time, Justin was the one who handled the dipping. And the positive mark was superbly clear and dark. We stared at it, studied it, studied the box, studied it again... and all we could say was... "wow..... wow...... wow".

Met the gynae yesterday (wednesday, 1/4/09) and it was confirmed - WE'RE PREGNANT!!! But we couldn't see the embryo yet as it's still tiny. So till date, I'm 5 weeks along! Scheduled to go back in 3 weeks to check if the embryo is properly rooted in the uterus where it's supposed to be. I announced to my family and a few close friends yesterday and some didn't believe because of the irony of April 1st. Sigh.

Due date is approx 4th Dec 2009. And I thought posting on the blog will be a good way to announce this. =D

So to those who are concerned about us, we'll need your support. For those who worry if we can handle this, we say, we have God on our side - our Maker, rock, and teacher.

The Beginnings

This blog was inspired by a dear friend -Miza, who is at the end of her preggers' journey. Great place to journal about the now overwhelming yet thoroughly exciting journey.